They said

Be a woman, they said. Your dress is too short. Your blouse is too low. Don't show too much of your skin, cover-up. Leave something to a man's imagination. Don't tempt men, they can't control themselves. You're told to look sexy, to look hot, but don't be too provocative, or you're asking for it. Wear red, wear heels, but you're too dressed up. Wear sweats, wear tennis shoes, but now you're too dressed down. You look like you've let yourself go.

Be a woman, they said. Don't look too fat. Don't look too thin. You're told to eat up, you're told to slim down. Stop eating so much. Order a side salad and water. Don't eat carbs. Skip dessert. You're supposed to go on diets, but then told you to look like walking skeletons, so you are told to eat. You're told you look sick. You're told you look unhealthy. You're told that men like women with some meat on their bones. Be a size 0. Be a size double 0. Be nothing. Be less than nothing. Be a woman, they said.

You are told to be porn stars in the bedroom but expected to be a virgin until marriage. A woman who has slept around is called a whore, a slut, dirty. Be the ideal housewife, but fight for yourself in the business world. Give birth to as many children as you can, but pretend you're never tired or struggling. Be more independent. You will never find a husband with a controlling attitude. Be a woman, they said.

Be a man, they said. You aren't fit enough, you're too weak. You don't make enough money. Follow your dreams but don't be too ambitious. Be more successful. Have fun while you're single, sleep with any girl in sight. You will be praised, you will be glorified. Don't get girls pregnant, you will walk away from the child. Drive nice cars, have nice things. Don't you know how to save money? You're too muscular. Women like men with dad bods. Be a man, they said.

Take care of your children every day. Be the breadwinner. Be the CEO. Wealthy men are cheaters. Love your wife and spoil her. Don't let her take advantage of you like that. Have hobbies. Play golf, go on hikes. Spend more time with your family. Have an emotional side, but now you're called gay. Have a stern side, but now you have anger issues. Support your wife and her dreams. Lol, you're a stay at home dad??? Be a man, they said.

Be a man, they said. Be able to kill another with only your finger. Crying is for the weak. Build more muscle, grow more hair. Never look at another woman. Always keep to yourself. Now you're hiding something. Keep your doors locked but make sure they stay open when you are with your secretary or people will talk. Be a better father. Be the best husband. Work 60 hours a week. Stay at home more. You can't do anything right. Be a man, they said.

Women, don't throw yourself at men. Men don't use women. Men respect women, women think you're not interested. Have casual sex. Don't catch feelings. Women don't dress inappropriately, men learn to control yourselves. Women fight for equal pay. Men buy women the most expensive gifts. Men who manipulate women are dicks, assholes, heartless. Women who manipulate men are smart, sneaky, bold.

Men who argue are selfish and closed-minded. Women who argue are feisty and always win. A single mother is a hard worker, independent, capable. A single father is over-looked, judged, unable. Women expect men to make plans. Men have to compete with social media relationships to win over his woman. Men don't speak to other women when in a relationship. Women talk to as many men as you want. Men's motives are always questioned. Women can openly drool over pictures of other men.

Be a woman, they said. Be a man, they said. Men are not self-conscious. Men do not struggle with body image. Women are the only ones challenged by society's standards. Women's needs are the only needs that should be met. Men do not have hearts. Women should be respected, fought for, satisfied. Men should have no problem doing so. Men are told to communicate, but only when it is what women want to hear. Be a woman, they said. Be a man, they said.

Love one another. Support each other regardless of gender, skin color, age. Men clap for women when they get a raise. Women congratulate men when they find the one. Men never let women walk alone. Women never let a man be alone. Men cannot live without women. Women cannot survive without men. Wherever women fall short, men can pick up. Wherever men are empty, women help fill up. Don't be a woman, they said. Don't be a man, they said. Be a human.

Women embrace men and their shortcomings. Men understand women have been hurt by other men. Women love men unconditionally. Men provide for women in whatever ways you can. Men don't have to be the strongest to protect women. Women do not have to be fragile to be compassionate to men. Be a human. Women do not treat every man the same. Men do not expect the same from every woman. Live together, coexist in this world. Understand we work best together.

Don't be a woman, they said. Don't be a man, they said. Be a human.

Lead Your Own Line

Have you ever been super eager to say something, but you cannot take time to sit down and think out what you want to say to perfectly express your thoughts and feelings on it? Like you have one shot to say exactly what you want, the way you want it to be said, and how you want it to be perceived and accepted? It's like you just keep pushing off your thoughts to another time, hoping you will eventually have the time, or the words, to say whatever you've been wanting to say. I've been in this same spot for the past 6 months, so here I am putting aside the "perfectionist" mentality I was hoping to have when writing about this matter, and just telling what has been on my mind, how it soever decides to come out. 

I am an enneagram 4, a romantic individualist, meaning I straight up thrive off of emotion, and I long to be understood and appreciated for my authentic and true self. I crave deep connection with people, and I love the journey of "tough" conversations with people to explore self-expression within others and myself. In short, I flourish in expressing who I am and what's going on within my thoughts. 

A reason I have been putting off writing, especially about what I am writing about now, is due to the fact I fear being misunderstood. For me, it is exhausting to conjure feelings into words because I do not want the feelings to be under-appreciated or the words to not encompass what I am attempting to say. What I have to talk about today is not centered around perfection, or saying the right things at the right time, or even meant to be judged for the content of my writing or grammar styles. Instead, what I have to say is the opposite. So here we go, unedited, fully in the moment Hayley writing and expressing the truth of imperfection. 

August 7, 2019, I took a super bold and uncomfortable step in life (I wrote a blog post about it, but was too ashamed and embarrassed to publish it). Long story short, I reached out to a treatment center in Chattanooga, TN that specialized in eating disorders. August 7, 2019, I had a phone assessment with the rehab center to see if I qualified for treatment, and I did. I started Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP) on August 13, 2019. IOP is basically that I went down to Chatt for group therapy treatment Monday's, Tuesday's, and Thursday's from 5:30 to 8:30 pm. I had various psych assessments and conversations to begin to understand my actions and behaviors, thus helping the treatment team to provide the most effective support and therapy to help me overcome my eating disorder.

I walked into treatment struggling with binge eating disorder, compulsive eating, restricting, PTSD, anxiety, slight depression, trauma, disassociation, and body dysmorphia, but I am not here to talk about my experience in treatment, I am here to talk about the after IOP and what I have learned since being diagnosed. 

November 14, 2019, I ended my time of treatment in Chatt after 3 months of IOP and group therapy. As I am writing this today, I am just over 3 months in my recovery journey. For the longest time I had so much shame of telling people that I was battling this, and at the beginning of this all, I only let very few people know because I let myself believe that I was broken, disgusting, disgraceful for not only dealing with an eating disorder and various other mental health concerns but because I was going into rehab for it. I did not want pity or sympathy from people who used to look at me as strong and like I had it all together. 

I get it, we all have skeletons in the closet, we all have issues or circumstances we would love to change or take control of, but we are scared of what others would say, or we are scared to put in the efforts to make a change because habit is easy and comfortable and the more you condemn yourself for having these habits or lifestyle choices, the stronger the will is to continue in them and harder it is to turn away. We value and honor complacency and a "do it yourself" mentality. We like to lead, but we do not like to step out of line and be a leader of a brand new movement. We like easy, but from what I have learned, easy is exhausting. 

Specific about eating disorders, and I am speaking on my behalf alone, in no way am I trying to speak for all, society diverts and camouflages real symptoms of eating disorders and encourages them, honestly. "Intermediate fasting", crop tops, making dancing videos in bikinis, dieting pills and shakes, numbers on the scale equalling health, "starve yourself for beach season", it is all supporting unattainable and BOGUS expectations that to be pretty, to be seen, cared for, you have to walk away from one of the only things that keep you alive. It is like telling a fish if it wants to be cast for Finding Nemo 2 it cannot be in or around or even touch the water; poor little fish dude is going to die. Telling a fish to not swim in water is dumb, so why do we let culture tell us food is the enemy and fueling our body to perform, to function, to survive is dumb? 

Okay, okay, I am off of my soapbox, for now. Seeing an issue and wanting to address it is not weak, it shows you honor yourself. Reaching out and seeking help is not embarrassing, it shows you are strong. Stepping out and leading your own life rather than assuming someone else's just because you think you should is not selfish, it shows you have the drive and courage to want better for yourself. Sharing your story does not make you overly transparent, it shows you have a deep compassion for others to not let them walk alone. 

I am here to stand up and out against cultural expectations. Stop blame-shifting or pointing fingers at distinct behaviors or habits and say "it's just societal norms." Starving yourself is not normal. Staring at yourself in your mirror, body checking yourself with your hands while crying or self-destructing yourself is not normal. Eating until you are constantly sick and so uncomfortable that you want to purge is not normal. Taking laxatives or excessively exercising to "compensate" for your eating episodes is not normal. Labeling food as "good" or "bad", "let myself eat" or "will not let myself eat" is not normal. 

Listen to me, please stop putting your body, your self-image, your mind under attack. If nothing else, if it seems too much or too unrealistic to take reign on yourself and your behaviors, please just take a second to ask yourself, "could there be something not right about the way I am living and behaving toward myself?" If you even think there is a possibility of you answering yes, or even a maybe, please please please reach out to someone. Life is more than counting calories, punishing yourself for eating a cookie, compulsive eating treats and telling yourself "this will never happen again." I am living proof that making a step in recovery is HARD and UNCOMFORTABLE and HARDDD, but it is possible. 

During my 3 month time in treatment, I was in group therapy with other women, of various ages, battling different types of eating disorders. I have seen with my own two eyes other women, from all walks of life, step out and choosing to overcome her addictions and hang-ups. There is no "special" characteristics or personality type to seek aid. The women I met during my recovery process were in some of the most broken phases of life I have gotten the privilege to walk alongside, but these same women, as broken as they were in that time, were some of the strongest individuals I have ever gotten to see. To admit something is wrong, see that there is a solution available, reach out into the unknown unaware of what it could result in, and step out to lead her journey shows more about true character than any of the latest fads seen on the internet. 

It is not my job to create a hate campaign against the entire internet, if it weren't for the internet I wouldn't have founded resources to get me into recovery and ultimately out of recovery, but we as people rely so heavily on the internet and social media and influencers and expectations set by influencers through social media and everything is backed up by whatever the internet says. Everyone labels social media, the internet, technology as an addictive, but I would take it a step further and say everyone personifies the media to give it credibility and use it for wisdom to assure we are living comparable lives to everyone else who is faking it to make them look better. We all want to look successful and the best, but do not put forth the effort to be successful to be our best. We assume that the internet is just okay with anything and everything we have to say and that it will just agree with our opinion and thoughts and that the internet will never offer any conflicting or controversial points of view on a subject, but we forget that the internet does not convey or express emotion and that it was not programmed to come with empathy to users and readers who are searching something and come across another person's opinion. 

What is Hayley rambling about, the computer not having emotions?? What I am saying is this. The internet encourages and provides a lot of triggering material and content for individuals who struggle with body image, eating disorders, and mental health issues. The internet does not have a moral compass on what to upload or what not to post, but here is the kicker, the user who chooses to upload and post these types of content, does have a moral compass. Humans have the capacity to pick and choose what gets broadcasted; humans have the instinct and ability to know right from wrong, or in this case what to post or not to post. 

As I traveled through my 3-month span of recovery for my eating disorder, I was made more aware of my triggers, and with the help of my fellow friends also in treatment during the same time frame, I was made aware of their triggers, too. Whether you are battling an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, or even if you are body conscious and have negative body image, triggers are still triggers and still promote negative and self-destructive reactions. 

So here is my final soapbox, as well as my final thought. We can all actively work together to do our best to bring the internet and the world back from the image-dominant crisis we are in today. If we consider that other people may one day stumble onto your words, whether intentional or not, and your words can either negatively or positively affect someone we could kickstart a revolution to more stable mental health and self-love. 

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A trigger is anything that can inflict or elicit intense shame, guilt, or an overwhelming reaction to an individual to act out in behavior or in a negative manner. 

Talking about clothing sizes and clothing numbers is a trigger. 

Talking about numbers on a scale and how much you have lost or gained is a trigger. 

Projecting or highlighting the number of calories you have burned is a trigger. 

Posting near-nude photos of yourself in a "look at me" manner is a trigger. 

Encouraging diets and intermediate fasting and weight loss pills is a trigger. 

Shaming food for what culture has claimed it to be "bad" or "not good" is a trigger.

Giving food moral characteristics of "sinful" or "glutinous" is a trigger. 

Body shaming yourself or others is a trigger. 

Being inconsiderate that others may not be as okay or as confident in their skin as you is a trigger. 

While in treatment I would always draw these flowers. Not sure why but on all of my papers, worksheets, and journals I would have these drawn all over the edges. You can see there is a watermark on the upper left corner of this notecard. I remember that night. We were making coping skills notecard to have on us whenever we were faced with a trigger as a way to help calm us down. I was getting upset with myself because as I was making my coping card, I felt so hopeless that I was never going to recover. I was so mad at myself that I had to resort to making a notecard with ideas to keep me from acting out in an episode of behavior that I just started to cry because I was scared that I will never be able to address the cause of my eating disorders, only divert my attention just enough to stop it until the next time.

November 16, 2019 I got this tattoo of those same flowers I had drawn on all my papers throughout my entire journey of my recovery. Instead of seeing hopelessness, I see a reminder to step out to lead my own line. 

The petals are the effect, the root is the cause. You must acknowledge the cause to better the effect. You are capable of change. It starts from our roots, dear friends. 

you are not feet.

"Self love is the most important thing because nobody can make you happy unless you're happy with yourself." 

Self love is not a new idea. Self love is within yourself, from the moment you were born. As you grow and mature, self love follows, it develops more. Self love is what allows you to reciprocate love to others, it allows you to keep chasing your dreams, your goals, your desires, a better you, a better human. Without self love you have nothing, you are cold. Self love is what's on the //inside//. 

How many times have messages been blasted to you on some platform that self love is so easy and so good and so fun! Wouldn't it be amazing if you could just say to yourself, "today I am going to forgive myself from my past. I am going to look at myself and love what I see in the mirror. I am okay with the decisions I have made and proud of where I am in life." It would be SO nice to just be able to blink and wholeheartedly, no hesitation, yes and amen love yourself. 

I cannot define what self love is, I cannot give an equation to find it; self love looks different for everyone. Some people take the treat yo self way and buy clothes, food, massages. Others may take a more abstract route and meditate, journal, go for a hike. 

To you, practice more for more self love.

But I am not talking to these people. I am talking to the person who has no idea how to self love. I am talking to the person who is ashamed, who feels like they do not deserve to love themselves or to be loved by others, who labels themself as a failure, a mess-up, not good enough, to the person who cannot find freedom from their past. I am talking to you. 

Hello, my friend. You are not alone. 

Story time: there was a time I thought I wanted to take on the role of God (spoiler alert, mega mistake); I wanted things to go my way, my speed, my timing. As the story goes, God let me take control (so I thought), and man I expected I was in the best phase of my life. Untillllll I spun out of control and crashed HARD at the feet of Jesus, humiliated, ashamed, empty, feeling worthless. I let the guilt of my situation stay attached to me like a leech. I labeled myself by the name my sin and wouldn't let go, but between you and me, I don't think I wanted to let go. 

I did everything that a sinner would do. It was easy to throw myself pity parties. It was a lot easier to remain in my dark hole. I wouldn't allow myself the joys of life, I stayed away from people, and anyone who tried to get close I pushed away and shut out. I wouldn't talk to Jesus in fear of His wrath. I thought I had gone past the point of no return.
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You know when youre having like a lazy morning and you just lay in bed, hair is making its own statement, you're in your most favorite sleep shirt, yet there are all these unknown stains you don't dare to consider what it could be? It's comfortable, you don't care what you look like, how you smell, you are content. You deserve this lazy morning after all the hard work, constant running around town for others and yourself. You justify laying between your covers for 5 more minutes cause like you don't have that meeting until 3:00 pm this afternoon. Then to continue with your well deserved lazy morning, you go into the kitchen and prepare yourself a five-star breakfast. Then you take a 60 minute bath simply because you deserve it. 

It's about 1:30 pm and you realize you should be getting ready for this important interview, so you start putting on your makeup and doing your hair all while dancing and singing along to your music. All of the sudden it's 2:15 and you freak cause it's a 40 minute commute and you live on the busiest street ever. You go into panic mode and start praying for no traffic, no red lights, no unforeseen bad luck. 

Lucky for you, you manage to make it to the office by 2:50, perfect amount of time to get your ducks in a row and breathe. But during this extra 10 minutes, you look back and rethink all your steps this morning and how you should have done this better, cut this in half, not done that. If only you didn't stay in bed for 5 more minutes, it could have all been avoided. 

BUTTTTT it did happen. You did stay in bed for those extra minutes. You did take an unnaturally long bubble bath. You cannot change it, it is over with. There is nothing you can do now that your lazy morning is over. Though you cannot retrace your steps, you can totally change how you handle more lazy mornings in the future. 

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You cannot change your past. I cannot change the sins I committed. I cannot change the lies I told myself, the actions I have made, the words I have spoken. But we can change how we view our past. Even more, you can change how you go about similar situations in the future. 

You messed up, you are not a mess up. 

You failed an exam, you are not a failure. 

You have feet, you are not feet. 

By changing your perception of your past, you are allowing for the opportunity to discover the goodness of the situation, to discover growth; the more grace you show yourself, the less of a grip this sin has on you. The less of a grip, the easier it will be to detach your name from this sin. The easier it will be to detach your name from this sin, the more self love you will be able to pour into yourself. The more self love you can show yourself, the more love you can show to others. The more love you can show to others, the more accountability and freedom you will find. 

The second you stumbled, God picked you right up and embraced you. He didn't snatch me up, smoke coming out of his ears, shaking his finger in my face, screaming "how dare you sin?!" He met me in the moment, empathy in his eyes, wiping my face with his fingers, whispering, "I have forgiven you. It is time to forgive yourself." 
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To my friend who is struggling with self love, you are not alone. Jesus is with you, He is on your side, He is in your corner. Please know this. Please take this seriously. Please lay your sin at the foot of the cross. Please let Him in. Please. 

To my other friends who loves others, reach out to your people, check on them, love them, be with them. Pray for them, pray for yourself.

To all my friends known and unknown, you matter, you are important, you are not feet. 
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Happy Anniversary

Happy anniversary, mama.

It's been officially 15 years since we lost you to cancer. 5475 days. 131400 hours. 4.73e+8 seconds (thnx Google). To stay with the math theme, 21-15=6. 

6...the number of years I got to share life with you. You don't know a lot when you are 6 years old. I didn't know much, can hardly say I remember hardly anything from that time. 

I can't say I remember your voice or much about your personality and humor, but I do, for a fact, remember that you loved your babies. I do remember when you'd used to wash my hair in the kitchen sink, us both looking up at the moon at night and saying you love me more than the distance from there to here. I remember you waking us up in the morning and saying, "rise and shine, my little porcupines." I remember your amazing tuna salad with celery bits. I remember slamming my finger in the car door and you running over to hug me. I remember seeing you in the ICU, touching your wiggling toes, faintly smiling at me.

Smiling....mama you always smiled. I am sure you had times of sadness. I know you did. You were fighting a ticking time bomb against a disease. You balanced being a mother, wife, friend all while battling against your body. But here's the thing, you did it so gracefully. 

Of all the memories I can think of, you were happy, you were good. You never let your children see you hurting. You were always strong. 

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15 years is a long time. A lot can happen in 15 years. A lot has happened in 15 years. 

People say I am just like you; that's a compliment to me....maybe not so much for you(; I apparently write like you?? It's like youre my mom or something. There are even the occasional "Tami...I mean Hayley" moments whenever I'm around family.

I wish I could have known you longer. I wish I could have gotten the opportunity to fall in love with the woman who fell in love with me. I wish I could have given you some of my super baby powers when you were pregnant with me to take away the cancer. I wish. 

So much could have been done in these 15 years together on this earth. If we really are as similar as people as people claim we are, we might have been a dangerous duo; dangerously bad during the preteen-middle school stage, but dangerously good from high school to now. 

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I hope I am making you proud. I hope that I am living out the life you craved for me. I hope my decisions haven't made you pull out all the hair on your head yet. 

Life has been pretty calm these last 15 years. No crazy hair colors or piercing, no jail time, no grandchildren, but I do have a tattoo:/ Just a small one on my wrist; got it for Austin (it's even in his handwriting). 

Proverbs 18:24: There are 'friends' who destroy each other, but real friends stick closer than a brother. 

Mama, you gave me one hell of a good big brother. He really is my best friend. I am sure you'd be proud of Austin. I know you are. He's really turned into the man of God I know you constantly prayed he'd be. I think you'd like Chandler too, she keeps him on his toes. She is a good wife to him. She loves him so well. They love each other so well. They even love their dogs so well. Congrats, you're a dog grandma!! 

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Aside from the tattoos and occasional nights of fulfilling the stereotype of a 21 year old, nothing's been too crazy. 15 years of a lot of growth, understanding, questioning, trials, errors, tears, laughs, sad nights, happy nights, basically the same rollercoaster of TN weather in a day.  

I can't say these next 15 years will be that easy.

I have been talking to my counselor more about you the closer we got to your anniversary. I can't say it's been as easy as the last 14 years. This one is kinda different; this one is a milestone. 

I dont know, just as every college senior does, I am starting to practically think about my future and the future "milestones" I will hit, just like this one today. The whole graduating college without you in the stands sweating your ass off in the summer heat, cheering me on. Telling you every little detail over the guys I start dating and the timeline of falling in love. Oh dear Lord... the tiring thought of planning a wedding. Not having you to call whenever I become a first time mom and wondering if it's possible for my child to poop themself to death. 

Not having you here for all the firsts in the future of my life. 

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I know it's habitual to acknowledge that you're here in spirit, in my heart, watching me always, and that I will see you on the other side, but sometimes you just want to be able to see the real thing. 

It's one thing to always see pictures of Disney Land, but a whole other experience to go in person. 

I am not knocking on my faith or Christianity or anything having to do with you straight chillin in Heaven with an unlimited subscription to Hayley's Life TV, but sometimes, like today, I just miss you. 

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I miss you, but today I choose to celebrate you. I choose to honor your life here, your impact, for I dont know....creating me??!

Today your legacy continues to live, continues to grow, continues to change lives. Today we dedicate our hearts to you in memory of you dedicating your heart to so many others. Today we rejoice over your life. Today is the day we choose joy like you chose constantly. 

I guess apart of you literally still lives in me and Austin on this earth (s/o to genes). 

Here's to you. 

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I love you, mama. 

Happy anniversary. 

not healed but healing

Ive always fallen victim to comparison. Yes comparing myself to others, but more so comparing myself to myself. I have always struggled with my self-image.

At the beginning of college, I made my fitness/my body/my looks my identity. For the longest time I made myself believe being thin, seeing muscle definition, being in a size 0-2 was beautiful. I worshipped the gym. I worshipped the fitness apps that congratulated me on losing weight by only eating 700 calories a day. I worshipped my looks because it was what turned heads and got me attention. I would take pictures of myself and just stare at how lean and good I looked.

On the outside I knew I looked amazing, but only on the outside. On the inside I struggled with hormonal imbalances, mood swings, a terrible temper, self-destructive thoughts, dietary restrictions so tight I wouldnt be allow myself to enjoy fellowship with loved ones in fear that one meal would ruin all my temporary success, but most importantly I struggled with the lies that I was healthy.

As college progressed, my workout routines stayed pretty consistent, but my eating habits began to change. I started to try and enjoy myself more, let myself eat “normal foods” and snacks. I would basically pep talk myself saying how I will just burn off the treats tomorrow at the gym or I wont eat 2 meals to make up for it. I would try to reason with myself; i was constructing a mindset that it was okay to punish myself for simple enjoyments. As this lie began to get bigger, as I would punish myself more for “eating too much” peanut butter or granola (the really bad stuff), I would have a mental picture of the 148 pound Hayley, skin and muscle, in my head ashamed of the “fat girl” i was becoming.

I began to become obsessed with how my old self looked, all the attention I got, how lean my face and arms would look in photos, how people would just know i worked out; i began to hate who I was now for letting myself out of control. I would talk down to myself that no guy would think im cute because my abs arent as visible. I would change in the closet, away from mirrors, because I didnt want to let myself see the girl i no longer used to idolize. I would scroll through my old photos and cry at how perfect i used to look and how i will never be that small again. I would try clothes on and get sick when they fit differently. My thoughts became a boxer and my body was the punching bag.

As more of college passed, my eating got more out of control. I would sneak chocolates, desserts, cakes, hide extra snacks, and eat them alone, usually in my car, so no one would see me. I would go to a convenient store miles away from home praying no one i know would see me grabbing unhealthy and unreasonable amounts of foods. I became more obsessed with hating myself. I became more obsessed with the old pictures of me. I became more obsessed with punishing myself for not being able to deny my food addictions and cravings. I would continue to never look in the mirror at myself when changing, but i would make up for it by sitting in front of the mirror and cry my eyes out hating the body i was changing into.

This wasn't living, this was not the life God intended for me. I could not continue to destroy my faith with self hate any longer. I knew if i wanted to be healthy, if i wanted to actually love the woman i saw in the mirror, and be proud of the woman God created me to be, if i really wanted to get rid of the baggage weighing me down in the river of my own misery, i had to get help. I wanted to get help. I wanted to go a day without crying, a day without being in a sour mood, a day dedicated to loving where i am at. I had to get out of my own head, out of my own past, out of my own addiction and release myself from this.

I am now a little shy of my fifth month in counseling. I am not ashamed to say I see a therapist. I am not embarrassed to admit i need help. I am so proud of it, actually, may even put it on my tombstone, “hayley janke: sister, friend, went to counseling.” I do not say this to blow up my own ego because i am still struggling. I am still struggling with food addiction, with hating my body, falling victim to the lies leaking into my head, but i am trying to get better. I still see the 148 pound hayley when i look into the mirror, but i also see the 148 pound, miserable, mean, and unhealthy hayley. I am constantly pursuing find more self-love.

There is nothing wrong for wanting better for yourself, for having a motivation to fit into old clothes again or be at that "perfect" body weight, and absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to encourage better food choices for an overall, healthier lifestyle. But that's where the line is often blurred. What actually does a "healthy lifestyle" look like? We are blasted with diets, fat blocking pills, photoshop apps, models in swimsuits, mislabeled clothing sizes. We live in an era that healthy is sadly mistaken for just skinny. and women are not the only ones who fall victim to this!!! Men do not get enough love for their self-image struggles, too.

In this "fitness era" we live in where skinny is good, skinny is pretty, skinny gets you DMs and hookups, we are totally losing sight of what more the world has to offer. Healthy looks different for everyone. healthy does not mean a 16-pack of abs, running a sub 4 minute mile, shopping in the baby section for pants to fit. healthy means you are taking care of yourself. Healthy means your doctor's do not have to break the news to you of diabetes, heart disease, kidney malfunction. Healthy means you are able to do physically driven tasks, SAFELY, efficiently, and do them well. Healthy means you have a few rolls in your stomach when you sit, your thighs melt onto the chair and rip apart when you stand up. Healthy means you allow yourself the enjoyment of going shopping for new shorts if your old ones no longer fit. Healthy means you love yourself and then able to love others. Healthy is more important within the mind than on body for the world to criticize.

When i was 11, i made one of my best friends a birthday card. I drew all the pictures, glued some sick scissorwork, wrote some neat block letters, too. I put all my efforts and works into that birthday card, only to go to her birthday party a few days later and see it ripped to shreds in her trash can. It absolutely broke my heart and shattered my entire being (we are also not really tight anymore...assume what you will ((jk she totally just moved away)).) I kinda get the hint that’s how God feels whenever I, whenever we, fall short of my (our) self-love and choose self-destruction instead. I think about all His hard work in making me- drawing on my personality, glueing on all my features, writing His name on my heart, and how i just go into my bedroom and rip His work to nothing and throw it away.

I am not able to say I am healed from my self comparison, addictions, and disapproval, but i am healing, and for that i am proud.