Happy Anniversary

Happy anniversary, mama.

It's been officially 15 years since we lost you to cancer. 5475 days. 131400 hours. 4.73e+8 seconds (thnx Google). To stay with the math theme, 21-15=6. 

6...the number of years I got to share life with you. You don't know a lot when you are 6 years old. I didn't know much, can hardly say I remember hardly anything from that time. 

I can't say I remember your voice or much about your personality and humor, but I do, for a fact, remember that you loved your babies. I do remember when you'd used to wash my hair in the kitchen sink, us both looking up at the moon at night and saying you love me more than the distance from there to here. I remember you waking us up in the morning and saying, "rise and shine, my little porcupines." I remember your amazing tuna salad with celery bits. I remember slamming my finger in the car door and you running over to hug me. I remember seeing you in the ICU, touching your wiggling toes, faintly smiling at me.

Smiling....mama you always smiled. I am sure you had times of sadness. I know you did. You were fighting a ticking time bomb against a disease. You balanced being a mother, wife, friend all while battling against your body. But here's the thing, you did it so gracefully. 

Of all the memories I can think of, you were happy, you were good. You never let your children see you hurting. You were always strong. 

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15 years is a long time. A lot can happen in 15 years. A lot has happened in 15 years. 

People say I am just like you; that's a compliment to me....maybe not so much for you(; I apparently write like you?? It's like youre my mom or something. There are even the occasional "Tami...I mean Hayley" moments whenever I'm around family.

I wish I could have known you longer. I wish I could have gotten the opportunity to fall in love with the woman who fell in love with me. I wish I could have given you some of my super baby powers when you were pregnant with me to take away the cancer. I wish. 

So much could have been done in these 15 years together on this earth. If we really are as similar as people as people claim we are, we might have been a dangerous duo; dangerously bad during the preteen-middle school stage, but dangerously good from high school to now. 

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I hope I am making you proud. I hope that I am living out the life you craved for me. I hope my decisions haven't made you pull out all the hair on your head yet. 

Life has been pretty calm these last 15 years. No crazy hair colors or piercing, no jail time, no grandchildren, but I do have a tattoo:/ Just a small one on my wrist; got it for Austin (it's even in his handwriting). 

Proverbs 18:24: There are 'friends' who destroy each other, but real friends stick closer than a brother. 

Mama, you gave me one hell of a good big brother. He really is my best friend. I am sure you'd be proud of Austin. I know you are. He's really turned into the man of God I know you constantly prayed he'd be. I think you'd like Chandler too, she keeps him on his toes. She is a good wife to him. She loves him so well. They love each other so well. They even love their dogs so well. Congrats, you're a dog grandma!! 

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Aside from the tattoos and occasional nights of fulfilling the stereotype of a 21 year old, nothing's been too crazy. 15 years of a lot of growth, understanding, questioning, trials, errors, tears, laughs, sad nights, happy nights, basically the same rollercoaster of TN weather in a day.  

I can't say these next 15 years will be that easy.

I have been talking to my counselor more about you the closer we got to your anniversary. I can't say it's been as easy as the last 14 years. This one is kinda different; this one is a milestone. 

I dont know, just as every college senior does, I am starting to practically think about my future and the future "milestones" I will hit, just like this one today. The whole graduating college without you in the stands sweating your ass off in the summer heat, cheering me on. Telling you every little detail over the guys I start dating and the timeline of falling in love. Oh dear Lord... the tiring thought of planning a wedding. Not having you to call whenever I become a first time mom and wondering if it's possible for my child to poop themself to death. 

Not having you here for all the firsts in the future of my life. 

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I know it's habitual to acknowledge that you're here in spirit, in my heart, watching me always, and that I will see you on the other side, but sometimes you just want to be able to see the real thing. 

It's one thing to always see pictures of Disney Land, but a whole other experience to go in person. 

I am not knocking on my faith or Christianity or anything having to do with you straight chillin in Heaven with an unlimited subscription to Hayley's Life TV, but sometimes, like today, I just miss you. 

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I miss you, but today I choose to celebrate you. I choose to honor your life here, your impact, for I dont know....creating me??!

Today your legacy continues to live, continues to grow, continues to change lives. Today we dedicate our hearts to you in memory of you dedicating your heart to so many others. Today we rejoice over your life. Today is the day we choose joy like you chose constantly. 

I guess apart of you literally still lives in me and Austin on this earth (s/o to genes). 

Here's to you. 

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I love you, mama. 

Happy anniversary.