you are not feet.

"Self love is the most important thing because nobody can make you happy unless you're happy with yourself." 

Self love is not a new idea. Self love is within yourself, from the moment you were born. As you grow and mature, self love follows, it develops more. Self love is what allows you to reciprocate love to others, it allows you to keep chasing your dreams, your goals, your desires, a better you, a better human. Without self love you have nothing, you are cold. Self love is what's on the //inside//. 

How many times have messages been blasted to you on some platform that self love is so easy and so good and so fun! Wouldn't it be amazing if you could just say to yourself, "today I am going to forgive myself from my past. I am going to look at myself and love what I see in the mirror. I am okay with the decisions I have made and proud of where I am in life." It would be SO nice to just be able to blink and wholeheartedly, no hesitation, yes and amen love yourself. 

I cannot define what self love is, I cannot give an equation to find it; self love looks different for everyone. Some people take the treat yo self way and buy clothes, food, massages. Others may take a more abstract route and meditate, journal, go for a hike. 

To you, practice more for more self love.

But I am not talking to these people. I am talking to the person who has no idea how to self love. I am talking to the person who is ashamed, who feels like they do not deserve to love themselves or to be loved by others, who labels themself as a failure, a mess-up, not good enough, to the person who cannot find freedom from their past. I am talking to you. 

Hello, my friend. You are not alone. 

Story time: there was a time I thought I wanted to take on the role of God (spoiler alert, mega mistake); I wanted things to go my way, my speed, my timing. As the story goes, God let me take control (so I thought), and man I expected I was in the best phase of my life. Untillllll I spun out of control and crashed HARD at the feet of Jesus, humiliated, ashamed, empty, feeling worthless. I let the guilt of my situation stay attached to me like a leech. I labeled myself by the name my sin and wouldn't let go, but between you and me, I don't think I wanted to let go. 

I did everything that a sinner would do. It was easy to throw myself pity parties. It was a lot easier to remain in my dark hole. I wouldn't allow myself the joys of life, I stayed away from people, and anyone who tried to get close I pushed away and shut out. I wouldn't talk to Jesus in fear of His wrath. I thought I had gone past the point of no return.
-----------------------------
You know when youre having like a lazy morning and you just lay in bed, hair is making its own statement, you're in your most favorite sleep shirt, yet there are all these unknown stains you don't dare to consider what it could be? It's comfortable, you don't care what you look like, how you smell, you are content. You deserve this lazy morning after all the hard work, constant running around town for others and yourself. You justify laying between your covers for 5 more minutes cause like you don't have that meeting until 3:00 pm this afternoon. Then to continue with your well deserved lazy morning, you go into the kitchen and prepare yourself a five-star breakfast. Then you take a 60 minute bath simply because you deserve it. 

It's about 1:30 pm and you realize you should be getting ready for this important interview, so you start putting on your makeup and doing your hair all while dancing and singing along to your music. All of the sudden it's 2:15 and you freak cause it's a 40 minute commute and you live on the busiest street ever. You go into panic mode and start praying for no traffic, no red lights, no unforeseen bad luck. 

Lucky for you, you manage to make it to the office by 2:50, perfect amount of time to get your ducks in a row and breathe. But during this extra 10 minutes, you look back and rethink all your steps this morning and how you should have done this better, cut this in half, not done that. If only you didn't stay in bed for 5 more minutes, it could have all been avoided. 

BUTTTTT it did happen. You did stay in bed for those extra minutes. You did take an unnaturally long bubble bath. You cannot change it, it is over with. There is nothing you can do now that your lazy morning is over. Though you cannot retrace your steps, you can totally change how you handle more lazy mornings in the future. 

-------------------------
You cannot change your past. I cannot change the sins I committed. I cannot change the lies I told myself, the actions I have made, the words I have spoken. But we can change how we view our past. Even more, you can change how you go about similar situations in the future. 

You messed up, you are not a mess up. 

You failed an exam, you are not a failure. 

You have feet, you are not feet. 

By changing your perception of your past, you are allowing for the opportunity to discover the goodness of the situation, to discover growth; the more grace you show yourself, the less of a grip this sin has on you. The less of a grip, the easier it will be to detach your name from this sin. The easier it will be to detach your name from this sin, the more self love you will be able to pour into yourself. The more self love you can show yourself, the more love you can show to others. The more love you can show to others, the more accountability and freedom you will find. 

The second you stumbled, God picked you right up and embraced you. He didn't snatch me up, smoke coming out of his ears, shaking his finger in my face, screaming "how dare you sin?!" He met me in the moment, empathy in his eyes, wiping my face with his fingers, whispering, "I have forgiven you. It is time to forgive yourself." 
-------------------
To my friend who is struggling with self love, you are not alone. Jesus is with you, He is on your side, He is in your corner. Please know this. Please take this seriously. Please lay your sin at the foot of the cross. Please let Him in. Please. 

To my other friends who loves others, reach out to your people, check on them, love them, be with them. Pray for them, pray for yourself.

To all my friends known and unknown, you matter, you are important, you are not feet. 
-------------------

Happy Anniversary

Happy anniversary, mama.

It's been officially 15 years since we lost you to cancer. 5475 days. 131400 hours. 4.73e+8 seconds (thnx Google). To stay with the math theme, 21-15=6. 

6...the number of years I got to share life with you. You don't know a lot when you are 6 years old. I didn't know much, can hardly say I remember hardly anything from that time. 

I can't say I remember your voice or much about your personality and humor, but I do, for a fact, remember that you loved your babies. I do remember when you'd used to wash my hair in the kitchen sink, us both looking up at the moon at night and saying you love me more than the distance from there to here. I remember you waking us up in the morning and saying, "rise and shine, my little porcupines." I remember your amazing tuna salad with celery bits. I remember slamming my finger in the car door and you running over to hug me. I remember seeing you in the ICU, touching your wiggling toes, faintly smiling at me.

Smiling....mama you always smiled. I am sure you had times of sadness. I know you did. You were fighting a ticking time bomb against a disease. You balanced being a mother, wife, friend all while battling against your body. But here's the thing, you did it so gracefully. 

Of all the memories I can think of, you were happy, you were good. You never let your children see you hurting. You were always strong. 

-----------------

15 years is a long time. A lot can happen in 15 years. A lot has happened in 15 years. 

People say I am just like you; that's a compliment to me....maybe not so much for you(; I apparently write like you?? It's like youre my mom or something. There are even the occasional "Tami...I mean Hayley" moments whenever I'm around family.

I wish I could have known you longer. I wish I could have gotten the opportunity to fall in love with the woman who fell in love with me. I wish I could have given you some of my super baby powers when you were pregnant with me to take away the cancer. I wish. 

So much could have been done in these 15 years together on this earth. If we really are as similar as people as people claim we are, we might have been a dangerous duo; dangerously bad during the preteen-middle school stage, but dangerously good from high school to now. 

----------------

I hope I am making you proud. I hope that I am living out the life you craved for me. I hope my decisions haven't made you pull out all the hair on your head yet. 

Life has been pretty calm these last 15 years. No crazy hair colors or piercing, no jail time, no grandchildren, but I do have a tattoo:/ Just a small one on my wrist; got it for Austin (it's even in his handwriting). 

Proverbs 18:24: There are 'friends' who destroy each other, but real friends stick closer than a brother. 

Mama, you gave me one hell of a good big brother. He really is my best friend. I am sure you'd be proud of Austin. I know you are. He's really turned into the man of God I know you constantly prayed he'd be. I think you'd like Chandler too, she keeps him on his toes. She is a good wife to him. She loves him so well. They love each other so well. They even love their dogs so well. Congrats, you're a dog grandma!! 

---------------

Aside from the tattoos and occasional nights of fulfilling the stereotype of a 21 year old, nothing's been too crazy. 15 years of a lot of growth, understanding, questioning, trials, errors, tears, laughs, sad nights, happy nights, basically the same rollercoaster of TN weather in a day.  

I can't say these next 15 years will be that easy.

I have been talking to my counselor more about you the closer we got to your anniversary. I can't say it's been as easy as the last 14 years. This one is kinda different; this one is a milestone. 

I dont know, just as every college senior does, I am starting to practically think about my future and the future "milestones" I will hit, just like this one today. The whole graduating college without you in the stands sweating your ass off in the summer heat, cheering me on. Telling you every little detail over the guys I start dating and the timeline of falling in love. Oh dear Lord... the tiring thought of planning a wedding. Not having you to call whenever I become a first time mom and wondering if it's possible for my child to poop themself to death. 

Not having you here for all the firsts in the future of my life. 

-------------

I know it's habitual to acknowledge that you're here in spirit, in my heart, watching me always, and that I will see you on the other side, but sometimes you just want to be able to see the real thing. 

It's one thing to always see pictures of Disney Land, but a whole other experience to go in person. 

I am not knocking on my faith or Christianity or anything having to do with you straight chillin in Heaven with an unlimited subscription to Hayley's Life TV, but sometimes, like today, I just miss you. 

------------

I miss you, but today I choose to celebrate you. I choose to honor your life here, your impact, for I dont know....creating me??!

Today your legacy continues to live, continues to grow, continues to change lives. Today we dedicate our hearts to you in memory of you dedicating your heart to so many others. Today we rejoice over your life. Today is the day we choose joy like you chose constantly. 

I guess apart of you literally still lives in me and Austin on this earth (s/o to genes). 

Here's to you. 

-------------

I love you, mama. 

Happy anniversary. 

not healed but healing

Ive always fallen victim to comparison. Yes comparing myself to others, but more so comparing myself to myself. I have always struggled with my self-image.

At the beginning of college, I made my fitness/my body/my looks my identity. For the longest time I made myself believe being thin, seeing muscle definition, being in a size 0-2 was beautiful. I worshipped the gym. I worshipped the fitness apps that congratulated me on losing weight by only eating 700 calories a day. I worshipped my looks because it was what turned heads and got me attention. I would take pictures of myself and just stare at how lean and good I looked.

On the outside I knew I looked amazing, but only on the outside. On the inside I struggled with hormonal imbalances, mood swings, a terrible temper, self-destructive thoughts, dietary restrictions so tight I wouldnt be allow myself to enjoy fellowship with loved ones in fear that one meal would ruin all my temporary success, but most importantly I struggled with the lies that I was healthy.

As college progressed, my workout routines stayed pretty consistent, but my eating habits began to change. I started to try and enjoy myself more, let myself eat “normal foods” and snacks. I would basically pep talk myself saying how I will just burn off the treats tomorrow at the gym or I wont eat 2 meals to make up for it. I would try to reason with myself; i was constructing a mindset that it was okay to punish myself for simple enjoyments. As this lie began to get bigger, as I would punish myself more for “eating too much” peanut butter or granola (the really bad stuff), I would have a mental picture of the 148 pound Hayley, skin and muscle, in my head ashamed of the “fat girl” i was becoming.

I began to become obsessed with how my old self looked, all the attention I got, how lean my face and arms would look in photos, how people would just know i worked out; i began to hate who I was now for letting myself out of control. I would talk down to myself that no guy would think im cute because my abs arent as visible. I would change in the closet, away from mirrors, because I didnt want to let myself see the girl i no longer used to idolize. I would scroll through my old photos and cry at how perfect i used to look and how i will never be that small again. I would try clothes on and get sick when they fit differently. My thoughts became a boxer and my body was the punching bag.

As more of college passed, my eating got more out of control. I would sneak chocolates, desserts, cakes, hide extra snacks, and eat them alone, usually in my car, so no one would see me. I would go to a convenient store miles away from home praying no one i know would see me grabbing unhealthy and unreasonable amounts of foods. I became more obsessed with hating myself. I became more obsessed with the old pictures of me. I became more obsessed with punishing myself for not being able to deny my food addictions and cravings. I would continue to never look in the mirror at myself when changing, but i would make up for it by sitting in front of the mirror and cry my eyes out hating the body i was changing into.

This wasn't living, this was not the life God intended for me. I could not continue to destroy my faith with self hate any longer. I knew if i wanted to be healthy, if i wanted to actually love the woman i saw in the mirror, and be proud of the woman God created me to be, if i really wanted to get rid of the baggage weighing me down in the river of my own misery, i had to get help. I wanted to get help. I wanted to go a day without crying, a day without being in a sour mood, a day dedicated to loving where i am at. I had to get out of my own head, out of my own past, out of my own addiction and release myself from this.

I am now a little shy of my fifth month in counseling. I am not ashamed to say I see a therapist. I am not embarrassed to admit i need help. I am so proud of it, actually, may even put it on my tombstone, “hayley janke: sister, friend, went to counseling.” I do not say this to blow up my own ego because i am still struggling. I am still struggling with food addiction, with hating my body, falling victim to the lies leaking into my head, but i am trying to get better. I still see the 148 pound hayley when i look into the mirror, but i also see the 148 pound, miserable, mean, and unhealthy hayley. I am constantly pursuing find more self-love.

There is nothing wrong for wanting better for yourself, for having a motivation to fit into old clothes again or be at that "perfect" body weight, and absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to encourage better food choices for an overall, healthier lifestyle. But that's where the line is often blurred. What actually does a "healthy lifestyle" look like? We are blasted with diets, fat blocking pills, photoshop apps, models in swimsuits, mislabeled clothing sizes. We live in an era that healthy is sadly mistaken for just skinny. and women are not the only ones who fall victim to this!!! Men do not get enough love for their self-image struggles, too.

In this "fitness era" we live in where skinny is good, skinny is pretty, skinny gets you DMs and hookups, we are totally losing sight of what more the world has to offer. Healthy looks different for everyone. healthy does not mean a 16-pack of abs, running a sub 4 minute mile, shopping in the baby section for pants to fit. healthy means you are taking care of yourself. Healthy means your doctor's do not have to break the news to you of diabetes, heart disease, kidney malfunction. Healthy means you are able to do physically driven tasks, SAFELY, efficiently, and do them well. Healthy means you have a few rolls in your stomach when you sit, your thighs melt onto the chair and rip apart when you stand up. Healthy means you allow yourself the enjoyment of going shopping for new shorts if your old ones no longer fit. Healthy means you love yourself and then able to love others. Healthy is more important within the mind than on body for the world to criticize.

When i was 11, i made one of my best friends a birthday card. I drew all the pictures, glued some sick scissorwork, wrote some neat block letters, too. I put all my efforts and works into that birthday card, only to go to her birthday party a few days later and see it ripped to shreds in her trash can. It absolutely broke my heart and shattered my entire being (we are also not really tight anymore...assume what you will ((jk she totally just moved away)).) I kinda get the hint that’s how God feels whenever I, whenever we, fall short of my (our) self-love and choose self-destruction instead. I think about all His hard work in making me- drawing on my personality, glueing on all my features, writing His name on my heart, and how i just go into my bedroom and rip His work to nothing and throw it away.

I am not able to say I am healed from my self comparison, addictions, and disapproval, but i am healing, and for that i am proud.