Have you ever been super eager to say something, but you cannot take time to sit down and think out what you want to say to perfectly express your thoughts and feelings on it? Like you have one shot to say exactly what you want, the way you want it to be said, and how you want it to be perceived and accepted? It's like you just keep pushing off your thoughts to another time, hoping you will eventually have the time, or the words, to say whatever you've been wanting to say. I've been in this same spot for the past 6 months, so here I am putting aside the "perfectionist" mentality I was hoping to have when writing about this matter, and just telling what has been on my mind, how it soever decides to come out.
I am an enneagram 4, a romantic individualist, meaning I straight up thrive off of emotion, and I long to be understood and appreciated for my authentic and true self. I crave deep connection with people, and I love the journey of "tough" conversations with people to explore self-expression within others and myself. In short, I flourish in expressing who I am and what's going on within my thoughts.
A reason I have been putting off writing, especially about what I am writing about now, is due to the fact I fear being misunderstood. For me, it is exhausting to conjure feelings into words because I do not want the feelings to be under-appreciated or the words to not encompass what I am attempting to say. What I have to talk about today is not centered around perfection, or saying the right things at the right time, or even meant to be judged for the content of my writing or grammar styles. Instead, what I have to say is the opposite. So here we go, unedited, fully in the moment Hayley writing and expressing the truth of imperfection.
August 7, 2019, I took a super bold and uncomfortable step in life (I wrote a blog post about it, but was too ashamed and embarrassed to publish it). Long story short, I reached out to a treatment center in Chattanooga, TN that specialized in eating disorders. August 7, 2019, I had a phone assessment with the rehab center to see if I qualified for treatment, and I did. I started Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP) on August 13, 2019. IOP is basically that I went down to Chatt for group therapy treatment Monday's, Tuesday's, and Thursday's from 5:30 to 8:30 pm. I had various psych assessments and conversations to begin to understand my actions and behaviors, thus helping the treatment team to provide the most effective support and therapy to help me overcome my eating disorder.
I walked into treatment struggling with binge eating disorder, compulsive eating, restricting, PTSD, anxiety, slight depression, trauma, disassociation, and body dysmorphia, but I am not here to talk about my experience in treatment, I am here to talk about the after IOP and what I have learned since being diagnosed.
November 14, 2019, I ended my time of treatment in Chatt after 3 months of IOP and group therapy. As I am writing this today, I am just over 3 months in my recovery journey. For the longest time I had so much shame of telling people that I was battling this, and at the beginning of this all, I only let very few people know because I let myself believe that I was broken, disgusting, disgraceful for not only dealing with an eating disorder and various other mental health concerns but because I was going into rehab for it. I did not want pity or sympathy from people who used to look at me as strong and like I had it all together.
I get it, we all have skeletons in the closet, we all have issues or circumstances we would love to change or take control of, but we are scared of what others would say, or we are scared to put in the efforts to make a change because habit is easy and comfortable and the more you condemn yourself for having these habits or lifestyle choices, the stronger the will is to continue in them and harder it is to turn away. We value and honor complacency and a "do it yourself" mentality. We like to lead, but we do not like to step out of line and be a leader of a brand new movement. We like easy, but from what I have learned, easy is exhausting.
Specific about eating disorders, and I am speaking on my behalf alone, in no way am I trying to speak for all, society diverts and camouflages real symptoms of eating disorders and encourages them, honestly. "Intermediate fasting", crop tops, making dancing videos in bikinis, dieting pills and shakes, numbers on the scale equalling health, "starve yourself for beach season", it is all supporting unattainable and BOGUS expectations that to be pretty, to be seen, cared for, you have to walk away from one of the only things that keep you alive. It is like telling a fish if it wants to be cast for Finding Nemo 2 it cannot be in or around or even touch the water; poor little fish dude is going to die. Telling a fish to not swim in water is dumb, so why do we let culture tell us food is the enemy and fueling our body to perform, to function, to survive is dumb?
Okay, okay, I am off of my soapbox, for now. Seeing an issue and wanting to address it is not weak, it shows you honor yourself. Reaching out and seeking help is not embarrassing, it shows you are strong. Stepping out and leading your own life rather than assuming someone else's just because you think you should is not selfish, it shows you have the drive and courage to want better for yourself. Sharing your story does not make you overly transparent, it shows you have a deep compassion for others to not let them walk alone.
I am here to stand up and out against cultural expectations. Stop blame-shifting or pointing fingers at distinct behaviors or habits and say "it's just societal norms." Starving yourself is not normal. Staring at yourself in your mirror, body checking yourself with your hands while crying or self-destructing yourself is not normal. Eating until you are constantly sick and so uncomfortable that you want to purge is not normal. Taking laxatives or excessively exercising to "compensate" for your eating episodes is not normal. Labeling food as "good" or "bad", "let myself eat" or "will not let myself eat" is not normal.
Listen to me, please stop putting your body, your self-image, your mind under attack. If nothing else, if it seems too much or too unrealistic to take reign on yourself and your behaviors, please just take a second to ask yourself, "could there be something not right about the way I am living and behaving toward myself?" If you even think there is a possibility of you answering yes, or even a maybe, please please please reach out to someone. Life is more than counting calories, punishing yourself for eating a cookie, compulsive eating treats and telling yourself "this will never happen again." I am living proof that making a step in recovery is HARD and UNCOMFORTABLE and HARDDD, but it is possible.
During my 3 month time in treatment, I was in group therapy with other women, of various ages, battling different types of eating disorders. I have seen with my own two eyes other women, from all walks of life, step out and choosing to overcome her addictions and hang-ups. There is no "special" characteristics or personality type to seek aid. The women I met during my recovery process were in some of the most broken phases of life I have gotten the privilege to walk alongside, but these same women, as broken as they were in that time, were some of the strongest individuals I have ever gotten to see. To admit something is wrong, see that there is a solution available, reach out into the unknown unaware of what it could result in, and step out to lead her journey shows more about true character than any of the latest fads seen on the internet.
It is not my job to create a hate campaign against the entire internet, if it weren't for the internet I wouldn't have founded resources to get me into recovery and ultimately out of recovery, but we as people rely so heavily on the internet and social media and influencers and expectations set by influencers through social media and everything is backed up by whatever the internet says. Everyone labels social media, the internet, technology as an addictive, but I would take it a step further and say everyone personifies the media to give it credibility and use it for wisdom to assure we are living comparable lives to everyone else who is faking it to make them look better. We all want to look successful and the best, but do not put forth the effort to be successful to be our best. We assume that the internet is just okay with anything and everything we have to say and that it will just agree with our opinion and thoughts and that the internet will never offer any conflicting or controversial points of view on a subject, but we forget that the internet does not convey or express emotion and that it was not programmed to come with empathy to users and readers who are searching something and come across another person's opinion.
What is Hayley rambling about, the computer not having emotions?? What I am saying is this. The internet encourages and provides a lot of triggering material and content for individuals who struggle with body image, eating disorders, and mental health issues. The internet does not have a moral compass on what to upload or what not to post, but here is the kicker, the user who chooses to upload and post these types of content, does have a moral compass. Humans have the capacity to pick and choose what gets broadcasted; humans have the instinct and ability to know right from wrong, or in this case what to post or not to post.
As I traveled through my 3-month span of recovery for my eating disorder, I was made more aware of my triggers, and with the help of my fellow friends also in treatment during the same time frame, I was made aware of their triggers, too. Whether you are battling an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, or even if you are body conscious and have negative body image, triggers are still triggers and still promote negative and self-destructive reactions.
So here is my final soapbox, as well as my final thought. We can all actively work together to do our best to bring the internet and the world back from the image-dominant crisis we are in today. If we consider that other people may one day stumble onto your words, whether intentional or not, and your words can either negatively or positively affect someone we could kickstart a revolution to more stable mental health and self-love.
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A trigger is anything that can inflict or elicit intense shame, guilt, or an overwhelming reaction to an individual to act out in behavior or in a negative manner.
Talking about clothing sizes and clothing numbers is a trigger.
Talking about numbers on a scale and how much you have lost or gained is a trigger.
Projecting or highlighting the number of calories you have burned is a trigger.
Posting near-nude photos of yourself in a "look at me" manner is a trigger.
Encouraging diets and intermediate fasting and weight loss pills is a trigger.
Shaming food for what culture has claimed it to be "bad" or "not good" is a trigger.
Giving food moral characteristics of "sinful" or "glutinous" is a trigger.
Body shaming yourself or others is a trigger.
Being inconsiderate that others may not be as okay or as confident in their skin as you is a trigger.
November 16, 2019 I got this tattoo of those same flowers I had drawn on all my papers throughout my entire journey of my recovery. Instead of seeing hopelessness, I see a reminder to step out to lead my own line.
The petals are the effect, the root is the cause. You must acknowledge the cause to better the effect. You are capable of change. It starts from our roots, dear friends.
